Remorse hurts - but love hurts more
by TheWritingFairy
Summary: Really short one-shot from Guy's point of view, set in between the end of Series 2 and the beginning of Series 3.


If there was one thing the young, distraught man lain back on his bed had never felt before or, at least, not in a very long time, it was remorse. Remorse for stealing, remorse for humiliating, remorse for killing. But now he felt it, and it hurt beyond anything he could ever had imagined. Of course, at the time, the alternative had also hurt – letting her, the only woman he had ever truly loved, be happy with his loathed enemy – but now, that alternative, seemed perfect. Well, maybe not perfect, but at least she'd be happy; at least she'd be alive.

Guy had never intended on killing Lady Marian. Hell, he loved her, he wanted to marry her, but the thought of her in that… that filthy outlaw's arms, it drove him over the edge to the point where could not think straight. It was impulsive, driving his sword through her body; at the time it was the obvious course of action, but now… Oh God, what on earth had he done?

The pain of her passing had been easy to deal with at first. Easy because there wasn't any pain; the fact that he'd done it, the fact that he'd killed her himself meant he could justify his actions, reason with himself, tell himself over and over that he'd done the right thing and he believed this to begin with. Consorting with outlaws was bad enough, but confessing to loving one, declaring that she was _in love_ with Robin Hood, it made his stomach turn. More than that, it made him angry, seething with the fact that all the times she'd encouraged him, she'd been lying to him, betraying him. Yet, having had time to think about it, dwell on what had happened, Guy now wished that she was married to Robin Hood. And he was disgusted with his wish; or, at least, that's what he'd tried to tell himself. All those lonely nights stuck in Locksley Manor, not moving from his bed except to fetch more wine, deep down, Guy couldn't excuse his murderous actions, not anymore.

After his mother died, Guy single-handedly brought up his sister and when he'd sold her, he'd convinced himself that it was for her own good – Isabella would have a better life with a husband who could provide for her. However, if he was going to admit one lie to himself – that he regretted killing Marian – he might as well admit another; he'd sold his little sister to benefit himself, nothing more, nothing less. Because that was what life had done to him – life had turned Sir Guy of Gisborne into a bitter, twisted, power-hungry bastard and he knew it. He'd often been proud of this fact, been proud of the terror he could see in people's eyes when he approached them. To him, terror was the best form of respect.

She changed that though. Made him understand that maybe, just maybe, there was still a good person inside him. Of course, he hated the way the Vaisey treated people but the fact that Nottingham's Sherriff had seen fit to practically treat Guy as his personal slave, had only made Guy angry at him for himself. His way around this had been to take it out on the peasants, it made him feel better, but not like her. Whenever he was around her, talking to her, listening to her, she made him want to be a better person, if not for himself then for her, so she'd love him back.

There was no chance of that anymore though. On declaring her love for Hood, he'd instantly, cruelly, run her through, as he'd done to many people in the past. But she wasn't many people, she was Marian.

X-X-X

Guy rolled over in his large bed and reached to the table next to it. Finding the goblet he'd wanted, he emptied the remaining contents into his dry mouth, not caring whether it worked or not anymore. On returning from the Holy Land, he'd taken to drinking wine of an evening to help him sleep. Soon, however, he took to taking it, not just of an evening, but of a morning and afternoon as well, not just to get to sleep but to forget. As soon as reality hit him, as soon as he realised what he'd done, it hurt and he couldn't handle it. What had she done to deserve what he did other than fall in love with someone else? Would he really rather she lived a lie, married him under duress. Maybe. But now, more than anything Guy wanted something he'd never have thought he'd ever want. He wanted Marian to have married Robin Hood. He wanted her to bear his children. He wanted her to grow old with him, and die an old lady in her sleep, surrounded by people she loved.

And he – he who claimed he loved her – had taken that away from her. He'd looked at the situation from so many angles: She should not have been consorting with outlaws, after everything he'd done for her she owed him her life, in killing her he'd won her somehow because he'd beaten Robin. Every time though, he'd always end up in the same place, he took away her life without thinking because he was jealous. That was all there was to it really. Jealousy. Guy would pay the price eventually, he knew that Robin would not let this go, but that didn't do much to numb the pain anymore.

'_Leper_'. That's what Vaisey had called Marian, amongst other things. Guy's breathing became heavier. He was beginning to wish he'd killed that damn man, not Marian, anyone but Marian. In fact, if the Sherriff hadn't constantly gotten in the way, hadn't constantly been dripping poison in Guy's ear, he could well have been happily married to Marian himself by now…

X-X-X

The number of times he'd told himself to stop crying, to stop wallowing in self-pity, to stop torturing himself by thinking 'what if?'… It didn't matter now. He'd stopped crying at least, only because there were no tears left – he'd cried and cried until he made himself sick. He tried telling himself that he was Sir Guy of Gisborne, Lord of Locksley, the Sherriff of Nottingham's right-hand man but he didn't care any longer, because for once in his life, he didn't want to be any of that – he didn't want riches, he didn't want power, he didn't want anything apart from Marian back. He even wanted justice, to pay for what he'd done. Guy wanted to die. But that was the coward's way out and, being a coward, he couldn't bring himself to commit suicide.

He let himself think like this, hurt himself over and over until he fell asleep, as had happened every night for over a month. Yet even in his sleep, he relived the horror of what he'd done and woke up the next day to do the same thing over and over again. He needed to do this, he needed to hurt himself but, no matter how much he did, he never felt like he'd put it right – he never felt like she'd forgive him. But he deserved this, because he loved her.

**A/N… **I know this is really short but I was watching Robin Hood and it (maybe along with some wine) made me want to write something from Guy's point of view. This is probably very crappy and out of character but, like I said, I just felt like it and so did it in a hurry so I wouldn't forget about it. Personally, I wish guy had never killed Marian and I actually prefer these two as a couple to her and Robin. Deep down, I don't think Guy was a bad man and I genuinely think Marian bought out the best in him and he did love her and… Oh Richard Armitage… (sorry, couldn't help it, that man is insanely amazing)… Please review, tell me what you think, whether you liked it or not and why, I'd really appreciate it… Many thanks.


End file.
